Coming!
Who is it?
Phone service ma'am.
Hi.
Howdy ma'am.
The phone. it's in my
boudoir.
it works fine ma'am.
Does it?
You didn't call me for the phone.
I did.
Where do you think you're going?
Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
You called me for a reason.
Okay...
I thought you were cute.
You like that, huh.
Please.
Hold still.
Please...
stop, this isn't funny.
it's not funny to call in fake phone trouble and waste my time.
You're scaring me.
Damn right, bitch.
Stop!
I have a stun gun in here!
Go for it.
Did you come?
No...
did you?
No, I was faking it for you.
I was faking it for you!
Jesus Christ, I thought you were-
I thought You were coming.
I'm sorry Tiffani, i-
I can't get into it with you Caleb, You didn't even
grab my titties.
it didn't occur to me.
My titties didn't occur to you?
Look at them Caleb.
They occur to every man i meet.
But not you!
I don't think this is working.
I can be meaner.
I need a little shake en' bake in my iife.
I need to feel...
dirty.
Filthy.
You're so...
S.u.V.
Double coupons.
Family fun.
I'll break stuff next time.
Caleb, it's over.
Tiffani...
Good-bye.
I waited twenty-four days to have sex with you.
Well
I didn't want to seem like a slut.
Tiffani...
Caleb?
Leave. I gotta jetta.
My belt?
Fucking bitch!
I'm still not buying it.
Give me another chance.
I am not...
a slot machine.
Goodbye Caleb.
You're a...
decent boy.
Nice ass.
Heterosexuals are a fucked up species.
Twenty-four days!
And then one week of not raping her mean enough
and then I get shut out!
Almost like a computer man.
You do every little thing right.
and then wham
sad face fatal error
3801!
For us, sex on the first date is a given.
You figure out hardware mismatches
and move on.
Oh, well it's just so easy bake
for you.
Most guys don't know when to
stop moving on.
At least you get laid all the time.
Hey, it's like 104 days between dates for me,
because I don't look like you.
Like me?
I am not gonna stroke your gorgeous,
muscular ego.
So what happened to that Jason thing?
Justin.
Guys around here are like day-old donuts,
I mean I eat them because they're there,
but you don't want to invest anything in them.
At least you got a whole box right there.
You don't have to starve.
Caleb, I'm on Friendster,
my life is so Not-Having-Sex and the City right now.
if oniy I were gay.
Honey,
come out or stay in,
do not Heche me into a Mariah.
I don't mean literally.
Oh of course, liliterally.
You know what I mean.
You know
it's easier for us to get chicks too.
Straight girls love gay boys.
I could have any girl I wanted.
Shut the fuck.
Serial killer.
Remember Marcy Brooks?
Shut the fuck! Milkshake Marcy?
Senior year, right after i came out,
senior year
she offered to Hoover me.
To see if she could she could cure me.
But you were a geekazold.
No offense.
Because I'm gay.
Now I really want to be a fag.
You and Ricky Martin both.
Jennifer Seaver.
Jenny the Beaver!? Fire- crotch?
Shoves her fist in my pants.
Full-on grabs my corndog.
Swearto God I was gonna puked.
They feel safe with us because we're not a threat.
Like how they get naked in front of puppies.
We're just puppies with dicks.
You know, some girls with their puppies-
let them eat them right out.
Read that in the Kinsey report.
My spec-i-a-lity.
What I woulda done with the Beav.
impregnated her.
Got a shit job.
Sounds real hot.
She's not even your type.
So
you think more girls would go for me if they thought I was gay.
Stop thinking.
You just look pretty and turn the letters.
No! But I mean-
Let's get a Sofia Coppoia things straight here.
Being gay is more
than listening to good music and eating low fat foods.
There are certain things you have to do to convince the general public.
Oh. Maybe we could stage a bashing?
No,
What you need to do is
find the loudest queen on campus
and smoke his pole.
That would be a wrist stamp to pussy smorgasbord.
I'm hungry.
I'm not your bitch.
Oh my God!
You pricked it Gwen! You pricked it!
I can't believe it!
Oh Gwen, I love you!
I love you too, Joey.
Which one do you want?
Oh honey, that one!
Oh, it's so big!
I love you Bunnycakes!
And I love YOu Gingerbutt.
Mongoloid.
Dildo.
Ooh,
where'd you learn that ''big girl'' word?
Your girlfriend.
Oops,
I mean
ex-girlfriend.
it's my brother, he just got dumped.
Hard.
Who told you, you little bah- witch?
I know.
He totally is.
uh, excuse me why don't you?
Oh okay, why don't I just turn into gaseous form for a minute.
Smells like you're halfway there.
Dogs have a heightened sense of smell.
With with an ass that big, it's like
spotlights to us.
Those are headlights
and I don't plan on braking.
Keep on pedaling, you're almost to a busy intersection.
The intersection's only busy because you're giving half-price blowjobs.
What are the rules to this game?
I don't know but you just lost,
loser.
Freak.
I'm on the phone.
He won't leave me alone.
Go graze outside.
Stop mooching.
Go back to college and eat your instant Ramen.
Mom!
Caleb's drinking out of the milk carton!
Am not!
it's the acidophilus!
Caleb, Honey? You okay?
We heard you got dumped.
You're way hot!
You're accent sexy.
Even homeless people have accents, Huh?
I don't like to kiss.
You're kidding.
Seriously.
You can play with my nipples if you want.
Y'know,
kissing is so 1990s.
I think I might be-
Well, I think I might be gay.
Gay?!
Well, a little bit.
I turned another one?
it could be a phase.
Please.
Can you list any tracks on Madonna's Like a Prayer album?
um, Express Yourself,
Cherish,
Oh Father-
Vogue...
No honey, Vogue was on Dick Tracy.
it's not a fucking phase,
you're full-fledged homo.
Jesus, what'd I do?!
Well,
didn't you ever suspect that- I mean
I am a little...
I know what you mean.
We're all just
people.
Just
bodies with
organic needs.
We need satisfaction.
We shouldn't deny our bodies.
Let's not deny our bodies.
Honey, it's not going to work this time,
I'm pretty gay.
Oh, I was good enough for you last night you fucking faggot.
You're not being very positive about this.
I couldn't be any more positive if
I was gang raped in a repository bin
at the needle exchange!
All I do is help gays come out.
So who are you fucking?
Well, i
haven't had sex yet.
Hah!
I mean, except with you.
And some other girl.
Get out!
Well, can't we be like, best friends or something?
I already have a gay best friend.
Yeah,
Marc.
is he single?
Get out!
it's like I'm on a conveyor belt.
A little piece of sushI no one wants.
You lookin' for Mr. Right Now?
Please, I'll settle for Mr. Five Minutes Ago.
Sorry.
No prob-
-lem.
Joey
just remember!
Every time you suck a dick!
Every time you poke some boy
in the brown eye!
Just remember that you've...
eaten...
PuSSY!
You ate pussy
and you liked it!
i, i...
You came!
HI Gwen.
Who's your friend?
Oh, Jesus.
Fair thee well
my fairy
fay.
Who was that?
I don't know, he's a newborn.
No, the girl.
Gwen.
She's hot.
Yeah, she's cute.
But a total Meredith Brooks hit single.
Excuse me.
That her boyfriend?
No, her roommate, Marc,
the love of my life.
He's gay
and I'm invisible.
All her friends gay orwhat?
She's kind of a fag hag.
I hate that term.
'Cause you're one.
Shut up. I am not.
You live with me.
So she's straight though, right?
Yeah, but she's totally in love with Marc.
They screwed when he was in the closet
and she's been trying to replace him ever since.
Doing a real good job,
she keeps dating fags.
I feel like a turnstile
to the white party.
Why do you keep doing this?
I don't know.
They're time bombs, Gwen.
it doesn't seem worth it.
I met you.
Let's not go there.
You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
I wanna go home. Marc, take me home.
I just got here. Let's hang for a bit.
I'll do a little damage control.
I bet I looked pretty stupid out there.
Not at all.
Liar.
You did look sorta goofy.
I did?
You ate pussy! You liked it!
Fuck you!
I almost made it with ''British Guy'' in a broom closet.
But he wouldn't kiss.
Maybe your breath was penisy.
Can I make you a drink?
Did you want me to make you a drink?
I'm gorgeous, not helpless.
it's not a sexist thing. I just thought you might be... You, know stressed out.
Just get the fuck out of my way.
Sorry.
Thanks hon, wanna mix one for yourself?
Fuck you.
She just brushed me off- with a flame-thrower.
She's just like that at first. You like them butch.
Would you stop being a total zit and leave me alone.
What's taking so long?
Oh, hI Gwen.
You know this guy?
Yeah, this is Caleb. Caleb, Gwen.
Sorry Caleb. it's been a night.
Nice to meet you.
Caleb's gay.
You're gay.
uh.
Yeah. He's kinda new.
Oh honey. That's so sweet. You two together?
Oh no.
Not anymore. We're just roommates.
Good.
We were never together.
Sorry.
Sometimes I can be a cunt and a half.
I thought you were a drunk breeder boy
going forthe chick in despair.
Your shoes had me fooled.
Like I said, he's new.
Gwen.
HI Marc.
Kevin.
Kyle.
Marc, this is Caleb.
Hi.
He's family.
Nice to meet you, Caleb.
I'm sorry, I'm totally drunk.
No you're not. You're designated driver.
No, I think you're wrong, Gwen.
I was just meeting Gwen and...
You new here?
He's my roommate. We dated.
We didn't date.
Let's away, ourwork's done here.
Where are you going?
What?
Let's give them some room to breathe on each other.
I wanted to talk to Marc.
Not a chance with that around, hon.
So...
You stole my boyfriend!
He's not your boyfriend.
Oh, so now you're gay?
it was your idea.
You knew how I felt about him!
We're not doing anything.
You're going on a date!
That was his idea.
I've been stalking him for years. You decide to be gay for one night-
I'm not gay! Why don't you just tell him you like him?
That would be as futile as drug testing at the Gay Games.
So you think you're gonna get Gwen like this?
I don't know. I don't want to go.
But he lives with her. I'll get to see her again.
I can just tell her and get this all sorted out.
Of course there goes any chance I had with her.
And you live with me, so Marc will have to come here. This could be parfait.
Go on a few dates with Marc, the four of us hang.
You come to the sad realization that you're straight.
You go running to Gwen, Marc comes running to me.
Genius. I'll be your... goatee.
How do you know they'll do that? Sounds ''etch-a-sketchy.''
No, it's parfait.
You don't understand human nature the way I do. I'm a musician.
Who got you that date with Tiffany?
You hit herwith my car on purpose?
No that was just dumb luck, i knew how to take advantage of the situation.
Plus Tiffany lives right next door to them and seeing you date her neighbor would kill her.
Okay, one date, and we'll see how it goes from there- but no sex stuff.
Yeah, try to control yourself.
Fuck me or fuck you?
You'll actually wear it for what, twenty minutes?
Not with this guy.
Because he's Mr. Wonderful, Mr. Yin up my Yang,
I talked to him for fifteen minutes and I feel like I've known him my whole life.
I'll be happy if he likes to kiss.
He's probably a freak.
When he's around, my heart beats like a trailer park house.
That is so gay. And I mean all three definitions.
So what are you doing? Eating out?
Richard's having a b-b-q for staff in the music department.
And then...?
I dunno,
but try not be here, okay?
Oh, and then you're eating out.
What if he tries to grab me?
We're not pirates, we just dress like them... and chase booty.
He'll be just as nervous as you. So try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything.
I don't think I'd punch him. i think I'd probably just start crying or something.
Aww. You got fagitude.
Well, how do I know if he wants to do it, is there like a code word or something?
You mean like homolingo? We talk normally... in English.
I'm a failed role-model.
Do I look gay?
Like an insatiable bottom.
Why did you say that?
Just to fuck with you. it's for you, Blowmeo.
Hello?
it's me.
HI Tiffani! I was just running out the door, but- HI Tiffani!
So, I ran into Max today.
How is Max?
Well, he's fine and you're gay.
Oh, that's just-
it explains an awful lot.
I thought maybe I wasn't attractive enough. But now I see where I stand.
I thought maybe, you know, i could win you back to ourteam.
Sorry Tiffani, I'm gay now.
How could you do this to me?
Well actually, I think you did it to me.
I think you turned me gay.
I did not turn you gay! How can you say that?!
I mean don't take it personally.
I am a person! How else am i supposed to take it?
Bastard! uhhhhhh.
Fag! Fag! Fag! Fag!
it's funny, I used to have- had a friend in this same building.
I'll be like five minutes, okay?
Please, Siegfried and Roy couldn't tame your hair.
uh, it's OK.
Gwen can keep you company.
I'm used to entertaining your tricks.
Okay, mute!
She's kidding. I haven't had a trick in like so long. I mean-
Tricks are for kids.
I mean, I've had dates, it's just-
Go powder your nose, babe. The powder that goes on your nose.
Hello, and welcome to the Gwen Anderson show.
Mind if I couch with you?
Sure.
So, what's your majorette?
Poli-sci.
Oo! Brainy smurf.
I'm not very good at it though.
Honest. I like you.
Thanks.
Did you bring condoms?
um.
I'm kidding. Relax. You look so tense.
How's that?
it's nice.
When you guys get home try not to make too much noise.
I have to tutor in the morning.
I don't think you need to worry about-
Kidding again. I don't tutor. Make all the noise you want.
This girl upstairs has all makes them pretend to rape her.
She screams and throws things. it really freaked me out.
I called the cops the first couple of times.
Oh. Huh. it probably isn't different guys.
it's probably just the same just different roles.
Oh no, it's different guys.
Sometimes there's like three and they do this whole gang bang routine.
She's all ''No! You're doing me all at once!''
Sick, huh? But you know, to each her own.
My parents think I'm nuts for chasing gay boys.
Maybe they'd lighten up if i into orgyastic splendor.
You know, two guys, one orifice. They call it double dicking.
That's pretty weird.
So...Caleb.
Before you started to go girl,
did you ever go girl?
Oh, no. I mean, just the thought of it is-
Ooh! Defensive. Like not even before you came out?
No.
Okay, so sue me, but I have to say it.
if you've nevertricked with a are you sure you pick dick?
Well, um. I've never done it uh, you know, gay.
My god you're a virgin? A virgin homosexual? Lemme touch you!
What about Kyle?
Oh, we never...
Thank god, you just don't look right together.
A virgin.
You're so cute.
How did you make it past 18.
I would have thought some plucked you from the chicken coop a long time ago.
Well Marc is very gentle. He You've got nothing to worry about.
Okay.
Caleb, honey.
if you've never had a boy or a maybe you should try the normal thing first.
I mean why stray down a path isolation when happiness might be right here.
Ever even been curious about kissing a girl. A little maybe?
um, Gwen?
Yes?
We need to talk.
Talk to me.
Am I interrupting?
Okay, I tried everything. Total fag. He's all yours.
She tries that on everyone- not that there's a lot of guys...
You ready?
Sure, whatever.
Play with the safety on, boys.
Always do, Mother.
Would you boys do me a favor? it would so turn me on.
What's that?
Kiss. I think two guys kissing is so hot.
Not in front of you.
Oh, please?!
We haven't even done it in I mean we don't even know if we're going there!
Think of it as an icebreaker. Caleb? Please? For me?
um, only if it's okay with Marc.
Oh, it's okay.
Well great!
Great.
Please, how's a girl supposed I kissed my grandma like that in her coffin.
Gwen, if he doesn't want-
Wow. That's a way to start a date.
How was that?
it was great.
it was a start.
Goodbye, Gwen.
Oh, uh bye Gwen.
Bye...
Sexual.
Sorry about all that. That's just Gwen.
Oh, I totally dig her. She's great.
Seems like every time I find it's a girl. Straight boys must have it so easy.
I wouidn't say that.
Oh come on, perfect girls are everywhere. it's cruel.
I'm sorry, am I making you nervous?
Not at all.
I'm making you nervous.
No, it's okay.
So, I gotta warn you. They're all music-types at this party.
Classical musicians. A little offbeat.
That means crazy.
Yeah.
You like classical?
Hello! Sweetheart! Oo! Who is this?
Caleb, this is Richard. And his wife Miko.
And so the program spelled Beethoven- B-E-A-T...
So Caleb , what do you do?
um.
He goes to the u.
Wonderful! So how long have you two been an item?
Ronnie!
Please!
We kinda just met.
That's so sweet! The two of you look so cute together.
Like a couple ofJudds or Culkins.
Caleb, have you heard Marc play?
No.
Well you must. He is the most this school's had in years.
it's divine. Marc, you have to play something before you leave.
I thought we were going to do eight hands two pianos later.
Yes! Richard! Set that up!
Caleb. Why don't you turn pages for Marc and Winston.
Just turn the page as fast as you can when I nod.
You'll do fine.
Ready?...
And.
Turn!
Oh!
Sorry.
Turn!
That was so cool, man. You guys were awesome.
You really had a good time?
it was great! That Ronnie's a character.
Yeah, I have some weird friends.
They were fun, though. And you're great on the piano.
Well, I'm also a flautist.
Just eat less beans.
Have you seen this one?
I don't think so.
it's really good.
Your next appointment?
Yeah?
What're you guys doing?
it's just Kyle.
He asked about me?!
No.
Has he mentioned me?
No. What do you want?
Well, what're you guys doing?
Renting videos.
What?!
I can't believe you're going along with this.
This is sick.
I'm in a video store. I can't really talk.
Pronto?
Hey.
I'm at Debbie Milford's. Am i hang over night here?
Renting a video is code for having sex.
You're paranoid.
Renting a video?
So I am staying the night.
Gwen, he's so cute.
What else is gonna happen? Two gay men
sitting on a couch,
boring movie,
raging hard-ons. it's the code you rent a video, you get laid.
Dude, you said there was no such thing as Gayspeak.
Well I was wrong. Do not go home with him.
Gwen's gonna be there.
Only if she's a bad fag hag.
Gwen honey, yourturn.
Just a second.
Take yourtime sweetie.
We have all night long.
Caleb, this is so not cool.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Plus, I can tell Gwen's into me. it's working.
Of course she's into you. You're gay.
Shut the fuck up.
God, Gwen he is so... unh.
Well sweetie, if you don't please-please-please call me so I can come home.
Okay.
Swear on your Simon Rex jackoff video?
No fair!
Look, don't you get bi-curious now.
if she's not home, I outta there.
Keep your hands off my man.
I'm hanging up.
Okay, he's getting off.
So.
You seen
any of these?
Gwen?
Hmm.
I thought she'd be back.
Well, at least we got the place to ourselves.
Go ahead, make yourseif at home.
And when I say that I mean and roll around on the floor.
Gwen?
Trust me, if she was here,
she'd be all up in our pubes.
So.
Video?
Huh?
You know, that thing we rented.
Oh yeah.
We could watch it.
Yeah.
Or...
Or?
Orwe could not watch it.
Oh.
it's up to you. I'm cool either way.
Oh, sorry.
That was really good.
Yeah.
So.
Gwen's still not back.
She usually is by now.
it's getting late.
Yeah, I'm getting tired too.
I should probably...
Yeah.
Hello?
You answered? You fuck!
Gwen!
What's going on?
Cause if you were fucking you wouldn't be answering.
And if you're not fucking, you telling me I can fucking come home.
Yeah, Caleb's here. We just watched a video.
You actually watched it?
Look, Debbie had one her so they put me in her dead Grandma's room.
it's really creepy in here.
We thought you'd be back by now.
Ha. Fucking. Ha.
I'm dying la muerta loca here.
Yeah, maybe he can stay and we can all three hang out some.
So you're that desperate. Hasn't anyone made a move yet?
Yeah, the movie was great.
Oh God. Marc, let me talk to him.
What?
Put him on, let me get the balls rolling.
um.
She wants to talk to you.
Really?
Yeah.
Here he is.
Marc, don't fucking waste this.
Hello?
HI Caleb.
How was the date?
um. Huh.
Oh, I guess you can't answer, because he's right there.
Yeah.
Okay,
let's play a game. You wanna play with me?
Okay. Sure.
I'll try to figure it all out, while you just say yes or no. Okay?
Yes.
Good start. 01:40:43:28
Hmmm.
Have you done anything?
No.
Are you nervous?
Yes, definitely.
But...are you excited?
I guess.
Very excited?
I dunno.
Hmm.
Could you get very excited?
Yeah.
is this exciting you?
Yes.
I can make you less nervous.
Close your eyes.
Huh?
Come on, just play along.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Closed?
Yes.
Tight?
Yes.
Now lean back,
very
slowly.
Okay.
Do you like my voice?
Yes.
it's comforting, isn't it?
Yes.
I like yours too.
it's sexy.
is mine sexy?
Yes.
You sound really sexy.
Yeah.
Now
just feel your heart pumping the blood through your body.
I can feel mine.
Can you feel it?
Yes.
Feel it traveling from your heart.
Through your chest.
up and down your arms and legs.
in your fingers and toes.
Can you feel it?
Yes.
is it going faster?
Yes.
is it getting warmer?
Yes.
What kind of shirt are you wearing?
um-
I mean is it a pullover?
No.
Does it button up?
Yes.
Do you want to unbutton it?
Yes.
Open the top button.
Okay.
Keep your eyes closed.
is it open?
Yes.
Are your eyes still closed?
Yes.
I want you to breathe with me.
Try to match my breathing, okay?
Okay.
Hey!
Oh! Sorry.
You scared me, man.
Caleb, what's going on?
um, nothing, uh.
Did Marc touch you?
Yes.
Did he hurt you?
No.
Did it feel good.
I don't know, this is embarrassing, man.
Yes or no. Did it feel good?
I don't know.
Lie down Caleb.
What are you doing?
Do you want me to hang up?
No.
Are you lying down?
Yes.
Eyes closed?
Yes.
it's okay you're a virgin.
I'm not gonna let anything that you don't want. Okay?
Okay.
You wanna stop you say so, okay?
Okay.
Do you want me to hang up?
No.
Okay.
Breathe slowly.
Deeply.
Just like before.
is your shirt still open?
Yes.
Ask Marc to massage your neck.
Go on.
Marc?
uh-huh?
Will you massage my neck?
Please.
Please?
Don't open your eyes now.
I want your entire world to be only my voice.
Okay.
My voice and his hands.
is he doing it?
Yes.
Does it feel good?
Yes.
He use to do that to me.
it feals real good.
Yes.
Keep breathing like me.
Do you like hearing my breathing?
Yes.
it's kinky, isn't it?
Yes.
Are you turned on?
Yes.
I am so turned on.
Do you mind?
No.
Do you want me to stay on the phone?
Yes.
Are you hard?
Yes.
Oh!
What's he doing?
Kissing my neck.
Does it feel good?
Yes.
is his mouth warm?
Yes.
Tell him to unbutton your shirt.
unbutton my shirt.
Please.
is he doing it?
Does it feel good?
Yes.
Caleb.
Yes?
Are you still excited?
Yes.
What's he doing to you?
He's licking my stomach.
Does it turn you on?
Yes.
Tell him to unbutton your pants.
But...
You're having fun, aren't you?
Yes.
Do you want to lose your virginity with me?
Yeah.
You're raging hard, aren't you.
Yes.
A nice wet mouth
would feel so good right now, wouldn't it.
Yes.
Then tell him to unbutton your pants.
unbutton my pants...
please.
Please.
Okay, Caleb
I really wanna make you feel good.
Do you want to feel good?
Yes.
Say it.
I wanna feel good.
Beg for it.
Make me feel good.
Please.
Oh!
What's he doing?
His mouth-
is he sucking you off?
Yes.
You like that?
Yes.
Does it feel good?
Yes.
Do you want him to stop?
No.
Do you wanna come?
Yes- Oh my god!
Oh fuck. Jesus.
Do you want me to come?
Yes.
I'm gonna come.
Yes.
I'm gonna come!
Ah!
Fuck.
Let me get you a towel.
So how was your first time?
Fuck.
I don't even know.
Did it
weird you out to have a girl on the phone.
Not at all.
You're kinky.
I like you.
I like you too. You're dirty.
I'm filthy.
Where's Marc?
Ah...
Getting a towel.
Did he come?
I don't know.
Well,
it's safe for me to come home now anyhow.
I'll be there soon.
Oh, okay.
Buh-bye.
Here.
Thanks.
You mind if I get off?
Huh?
I can take care of myself.
You just sit there.
So, Gwen said she's on her way.
I like your TV set up. it's pretty
hi-tech and stuff.
Thanks.
I didn't do anything.
You did good.
You want this?
Oh I don't normally...
What?
Make that much.
I should go.
Yeah. Sure. Thanks.
You're welcome.
I'll call you.
Yeah! Call me.
Drive safe.
Yeah, you too.
Wish I had your cell, I woulda called instead of stopping.
I'm glad you stopped.
You want my cell?
Abba-solutely.
Let me get mine.
Let's fast forward through the small talk.
I want to know how it went.
Went?
You just made it with your first guy!
Aren't you happy?
I'm confused.
Didn't it feel good?
Shit, I was too pushy.
Honey, Marc's a good guy.
The best. You're in good hands.
it's just too much-
Too soon?
No, not that, I don't know.
We're all just people.
Just bodies with organic needs.
We need satisfaction. We shouldn't deny our bodies.
Are you turned on?
No, that's just my-
You're still turned on.
You've had a boner since you left Marc?
No!
Don't be embarrassed. That's how it is the first time you do it,
you just wanna do it again.
You mind me doing this?
No.
How about this?
Don't you think we should, uh, I mean we're in public.
I think it's sexy you're worried about Marc,
but it seems to me that Marc didn't do his job.
Calm down.
it's fine, I'm just-
Suck that.
And don't give me any strictly gay shit.
Who needs friends that won't fuck friends?
Eat it little gay boy!
Yeah! Whoa!
That's your perineum.
You are such a fag.
Why, you back so late?
Can we talk about this in the morning?
Caleb! Fuckin-A, what happened? Did you do it with Gwen?
Sort of.
Well, did you talk about me?
Caleb?
Hello?
Good morning!
Wait forthe beep and tell me something I don't know.
This is for Caleb.
You're probably sleeping. i I had a great time last night.
Really.
So I just wanted to call,
ecause lots of guys have a thing about calling,
where you don't call, and and see who calls first.
And well, I didn't wanna.
Geeze, I sound really stupid.
Anyway, call me. Mwah.
Okay bye.
What the fuck?
Shit.
Kyle, I'm sorry.
Fuck you!
it's not what you think.
Hello?
Oh shit. it's Marc.
I'm sorry, did I wake you?
No. I just got your message.
God, I feel like a stalker.
I just realized I didn't leave thought I'd call leave it on your machine.
I didn't think you'd answer.
No, that's fine.
Well, it's nice to talk to you anyhow.
I'm sorry, were you busy?
No. Just... recovering.
You must be one fuck of a fuck.
That was him.
Marc's the asshole type.
He normally fucks and moves on. But I guess with you.
I mean who wouidn't want to...
keep you around.
How could you fuckin do this to me?
That's not fair. it's not like you guys even-
You don't even know, do you?
You're so stupid.
Well, I invited them over for dinner.
Here?
Great
you guys can just make out in front of me.
Wanna screw in my bed?
I invited Gwen too.
We're all gonna sit down and tell the truth.
And just. Just...
Just what?
Huh?
Things are so simple in your aren't they?
Well, Caleb, it doesn't work that way.
Things are a lot more complicated than just sitting around
telling people how you really feel.
I'm trying to fix things here. Okay?
You're doing a Fabio job so far.
Just say you'll come to dinner.
Okay?
Fine!
I'll be there with balls on.
You're not planning on cooking, are you?
Well, I wasn't gonna ask, but since you brought it up.
Fine! I'll cook.
I'm not that stupid.
I do know.
if I were gay. Even a little.
it'd be you.
Alright, I won't go.
He wants you to. it's like he's Tell him I have consumption.
I shouldn'ta done that last night.
it was hot.
it was fucked up.
You should've seen him,
he flew out of here like a seminal Meatloaf album.
He seemed to like it on the phone.
That's what's so fucked up about it.
Are you jealous?
No.
You're jealous!
I am not.
This is so great!
it's finally the otherway around.
Do you know how many boys just to get to you?
Shut up.
You're scared I could convert him.
Maybe I just will.
I need to practice.
I'll take that
as a challenge.
I can't hear you, babe.
I know something you don't know.
What the hell are you making?
Sausages.
Big fat sausages.
Dude, people don't eat sausages.
You're supposed to make spaghettI or some shit.
Fine, you wanna cook?
No. I mean.
I never seen you make sausages.
Well I'm trying something new.
You're making too much.
I invited some over friends too. Go get the door.
This isn't a kegger, bro. This Who'd you invite?
Like they said to Anne Frank: the door and find out?
Oh, it's you guys.
I brought this for you.
Cool. it's yellow.
And some wine.
Awesome. All we got is beer.
Cool.
This is the part where you invite us in.
Oh geeze, come in. Kyle's in the kitchen.
Honey, this is how you do it.
Ha. Ha.
Funny. I get it.
So. Caleb. Marc thinks...
Hello Gwen.
Marc.
Did You offerthem beverages?
Oh! Yeah, you guys want some?
I'll pour us some drinks.
You show me where the glasses are.
So, what do you think?
Oh.
I think.
I think you're a really nice guy.
That's all.
Thanks.
I gotta go to the head.
We need to talk.
Dude!
I wasn't being honest.
I gotta talk about it now, or i wont-
I'm takin' a leak.
Please, I've seen it.
How you doin'?
My god. What are those?
Dinner.
is this some kind of ethnic thing?
Marc,
I think you're really cool...
But?
But...
is there something with you and Kyle?
No. it's definitely not that.
Oh shit.
Don't say anything, okay?
What's wrong.
HI Mom. Dad. Jamie.
Oh. This is Marc.
Marc, my family. I was just flusher-thing. it was broken.
The bobbing thing. it has to stay on top.
it's called a ballcock.
Well.
Nice to meet you, Marc.
Are you gay?
That's rude.
Oh please. I don't mind.
Kyle, I think you need my help in the kitchen.
Be right back.
I'm gonna circumcise your neck.
I know this looks fucked up.
You're gonna look fucked up.
We can't do it yourway. We can't just tell them.
They won't give either of us I have just as much at stake here.
Kyle, those are my fucking parents.
This my life, you know. My real life.
Calm down. Trust me, okay?
Gwen? Marc? Come in for a sec?
Well.
That's us.
Okay, what's the Kim Deal?
Caleb's not out to his parents, yet.
No shit.
Of course they don't know.
Should we leave?
No, that'd look too weird.
No, I got it worked out.
Gwen,
just pretend you're here with Caleb.
And Marc can be, uh, my date.
What?
ust for dinner.
Then they leave and we're back to normal-
Everything cool in there dudes?
Very cool Mrs. Peterson!
Now you
sit next to Caleb.
And Marc,
with moi.
Oh! I get it.
Well if you need anything!
Let's go meet Mr. and Mrs. Roper.
Peterson.
Those were very interesting sausages, Kyle.
What flavor exactly is white jello?
Well it's just the way the-
You know what it iooks like, it looks like-
So when did you meet this lovely young lady?
At a party last week.
Right afterthe Tiffani ordeal?
Who's Tiffani?
''Beard.''
You never mentioned Tiffani.
TiffanI was a bitch.
I liked her.
She was cute.
How did you meet, was it across a crowded room?
Well, she was screaming, and I saw her.
Screaming?
I was so surprised he wasn't gay.
You must get that all the time, hon.
I mean living with Kyle...
and your haircut.
So, Marc, when did you meet Kyle?
I hope we're not being too personal,
but Kyle's like a second son to us.
Or daughter.
it's a small world young lady...
...I know, celebrate our diversity.
We met at the same party.
What's this music?
it's really good.
I don't know, it's Kyle's shit.
Oh.
Who is this, Kyle?
it's mine.
But it's just my old stuff.
My new stuff's better.
Kyle's a composer.
Didn't he mention it?
uh, no. He hasn't mentioned much.
sn't his work just beautiful?
Yeah, it's nice.
You in the music school?
Yeah.
I never noticed you around.
You're classical, I'm jazz.
You know how they are.
Yeah.
This is really good.
it's always nice to know what's going in your lives, boys,
but isn't it a little early to be meeting the parents?
I mean, you hardly seem to know each other.
I just thought this would be nice. All of us together.
One big family.
Betterthan Springer.
is there something you want to tell us?
We're here for you, son.
Just wanted to have dinner. No interior motive.
ulterior.
I knew that.
Shit. Now who?
I didn't invite anyone else. Honest.
I hear you have phone trouble, Miss Thing.
That's Mister Miss Thing to you.
Tiffani?
You little hose huffer!
Why don't you come join us?
Gomez, Morticia and little Wednesday.
I'm sure this is awkward for Gwen.
I don't mind, I wanna see this.
You know,
you guys seem really nice.
Oh my God, Gwen, don't.
Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do you a really big favor.
Oh shit.
You'll hate me now, but you'll love me later.
Gwen, please.
Shit.
Mr. and Mrs. Peterson,
your son is gay.
Fag. You're it.
I turned him gay. I can turn him back!
Please with that word!
Caleb and Marc are boyfriends
and I'm just Marc's roommate.
You're a reality show without a camera crew.
We're not boyfriends yet, we've been on one date.
I told you.
Son.
How did we manifest our homophobia?
it must have been horrible living with us.
Straight this, straight that.
I'm sorry. You needed all of this to face us.
I'll calling Tammy at PFLOG first thing.
We'll go to meetings.
Jamie, hon, is there something you wanted to tell us?
Well, I don't think I'm a lesbo.
I experimented once.
Son,
give me a hug.
Caleb.
Hug your father.
You are still my son and l love you.
This is so beautiful.
Barf. You should see them on anniversaries.
I love you, Caleb.
I love you too, Mom.
I love you, Dad.
C'mon, family hug.
Love ya gay bro.
Come on,
I said family hug. You're all family here.
Well, come on!
Oh, what the fuck!
But, I'm mad.
I am so proud of you son.
You take good care of my boy.
Yes sir, Mr. Peterson.
I bet he will.
I bet he will too.
No offense Kyle, next time we're eating out.
C'mon hon, let's go.
Do you think I'm stupid?
No.
Not you, hon.
Kyle, I know what's going on. You're acting like a baby.
I didn't think-
Well it's time to make a change in your lifestyle.
Okay babe,
this is one of the reasons i get called a bitch.
Because I tell it like it is.
Kyle,
reality.
Reality, Kyle.
You are not in Marc's league.
I mean you're not a total K-9, but you are a K-5.
Gwen, c'moff it.
Marc's not a K at all.
Your chances of ever scoring with someone like Marc?
Zero. Nothing. El Nacho!
Gwen, stop.
Live with it. Move on.
What? He pulled a dirty fuckin trick.
That was harsh.
Well, would you?
Would you Marc Everheart Kyle what's-his-nuts?
Maybe.
She's right. You wouldn't. Ever.
I would too. You don't know me.
He's not a nice person. He was trying to split you guys up.
I blame him and those who harbor him.
You can't possibly be that stupid. You don't belong to a frat.
I'm not stupid...
Look, go talk to him? Kyle is a He's amazing.
Then why aren't you with him.
I would be in a second, but..
But what, I'm listening.
it's complicated.
Christ, now you're talking like a straight guy.
um.
Oh shit.
You fucking heterosexual liar!
Gwen, I'm sorry, it's...
You pretended to be gay, had came out to your parents, just so you could fuck me!
I guess.
I can't beiieve I let you fuck me.
You fucked her? You fucked him?
That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
I'm really sorry, dude.
Hey, some day I'll look back it was really hot.
Me too.
Talk to him.
Hey if you hurt him I will seriously fuck with your shit.
Back at you with her.
Oh please, I'll fuck all you all's shit.
Go away.
Caleb!
it's me.
Oh.
May i?
Sure. So, I guess Caleb told you...
Yeah.
I guess he and Gwen are...
Yeah.
OK listen, I don't think I can Anthony Michael Hall ''let's be friends'' speech.
Good, 'cause I don't know one.
I knew your name was Kyle.
Huh?
At the party. I called you Kevin, but I knew you were Kyle.
And I knew you were in the music school.
Why do you do that shit?
I don't know. I guess it's kinda fucked up.
Damn straight.
Why stop at one?
I do know why I do it, it sounds stupid.
Why?
To make you want me.
That is stupid.
it's true.
isn't it painfully obvious?
What, by the way you look paying attention?
Or by the way you always and not me?
Oh come on. You're too good You know how the system works.
The system sucks.
I've always loved your music. I went to your recital.
They told me someone came.
Please tell me you like to kiss.
Love it.
Okay, so I know I might just whatever it is, I'll take it.
You are so weird.
Does that turn you on as much as it does me?
Huh?
I thought so.
I think everybody's gone now.